9 Ways to Maximize Your Chances of Meeting a Masculine Man
Why you don’t need a man but desperately want him and why your desire for a solid and stable relationship is true and valid
“Why the hell do I need a man if I can do everything on my own?” modern-day independent women are asking themselves today.
And yet, late at night while laying in their self-acquired queen beds, these women are gazing at their brand new sexy dresses in the closet and can’t help but feel the inevitable and familiar feeling creep in...
The craving for that solid, masculine partner who will take them by the hand, claim them as their woman and bring stability to their lives. And as long as women deny and neglect that fundamental desire, they will continue feeling unfulfilled and will keep searching for that missing piece in their lives.
And the more they reject and pretend that this is not what they want (and inflict it on other women,) the more unhappy and bitter they become — negating that core of themselves as feminine women that wants to surrender, flow freely and be taken care of.
Easier said than done.
I’ve been cheated on and betrayed by men before (including my own father.) I sometimes feel indignation towards men for all the wrongdoings and injustices that have been done to women. Hell, I even feel resentment towards my own husband because he doesn’t have to breastfeed our newborn around the clock, doesn’t need to think about meal plans, daycare and the best color for our draperies — all while packing up his bag for the next day at work.
The difference is that I know how to manage my emotional ups and downs and not to blame him, or men in general, for the abandonment, deceit, and loneliness I feel inside.
I see tremendous value in men and I respect their drive and ambition. Their incredible ability to plunge ahead like bulldozers smashing down everything, building anew without stopping to think or feel much. I appreciate their instinctual desire to protect and provide and be the heroes of our lives. Their quest for freedom and living on the edge.
(What I’m talking about is healthy, mature masculine men who don’t abuse their power and ability. Let’s leave the rest out. It’s not worth our time, energy and precious resources.)
I’m attracted to this healthy version of the masculine. It seduces and lures me in like nothing else. It tickles my sex and elevates my feminine heart to a different dimension. That dimension is where I can surrender, flourish, let go and create. Create a home, a career, a business or a baby without unnecessary stress. Without the burden and heavy responsibility only on my shoulders to constantly go and push and build.
The Most Important Decision of Your Life
We live in a time when women are wronged for wanting for a masculine man who will protect and provide.
What are you saying? You want your man to bring home the bacon? You want him to lead and take charge?
How unfeminist of you! How unequal! How shameful!
Don’t even try telling your independent strong girlfriends about that! Just pretend that you also don’t need a man and indulge in long, lonely nights of gossip about how men are weak and unreliable.”
The other day I got on a discovery call with a young woman who lives in Silicon Valley and has trouble understanding why things are going wrong in her love and dating life. She shared with me that all the dates she’s been on have felt quite gray and she’s really having a hard time meeting a man she’s truly excited to be around. She also shared that she’s feeling lonely, inadequate and unworthy. Hopeless and hopeful at the same time.
She said she wants a man who she is deeply attracted to, who will make her feel safe and secure, protected and taken care of, independent in her own being and free to do what she wants — all core desires of a feminine essence woman.
When we dived deeper into what is stopping her from meeting this man, a strange answer came…
“I feel like I should be focusing on my career as my first priority and not my dating life.”
And that is what women hear today from the moment they graduate college: focus on your career first so you can become strong and independent— men will come later. That is what I heard from my father day in and day out. There was no talk about the husband, family or anything else of that sort. Taking care of my financial independence and security came first and everything else came after.
And so years go by and I’m moving up the career ladder, becoming more and more successful, earning more and more money while sliding down the love life ladder and becoming more unsuccessful on the dating front. Because that’s not important. Because that part will obviously take care of itself if and when I am successful. This is when he will see me. This is when he will take notice and everything will fix itself. I’ll be married by the time I’m 35 for sure and possibly will already have 2–3 children by then.
And so this woman really doesn’t mind all the success and all the independence until she really becomes one of the few people to attend her girlfriend’s weddings by herself, spending more time alone than with someone and realizing that she’s not getting younger and that the clock is ticking.
By this time she’s ready to invest in a house and make some serious decisions. So she does take that mortgage and she does buy that house. By herself. She has her own car, her own bed, her own table, and her own everything. She also has tendencies to throw these memes around (into men’s faces):
And of course, the inevitable question of “why do I need a man?!” pops up. She can afford anything she wants, she can pleasure herself and she can even have her own babies from a sperm donor.
I don’t know about you but I think it’s quite a sad story and not the life I want to live all by myself. This story has a false premise at its core: career should be your #1 priority just because you need to secure yourself financially and that finding a spouse comes secondary.
In my interview on Girlskill Podcast, Danielle Crittenden Frum, author of “What Our Mothers Didn’t Tell Us: Why Happiness Eludes the Modern Woman” and the co-host of the Femsplainers Podcast told me:
The choice of a spouse is not one of the most important decisions of your life — It is THE MOST IMPORTANT DECISION of your life.
I was deeply struck by this phrase, especially because it’s so controversial and because it goes against everything we’ve been told today in the post-modern feminist era. And this decision, by the way, is equally relevant to men.
As a modern woman myself, I don’t think I’ll be teaching my daughter that marriage is the most important goal in her life. But I will be teaching her that taking her love and dating life seriously is important and if she does it early enough then she will probably save herself quite a few years of misery and questioning of what’s wrong with men.
Let’s talk about needing men. Do we really need men or do we actually just want them in our lives?
I believe there are different kinds of “needs.” There are needy “needs” and there are healthy ones.
Let’s look at the definition of the word need:
I prefer to think of our need for men as in point 2b:
“a physiological or psychological requirement for the well-being of an organism.”
My man’s presence in my life is a physiological, psychological, emotional and energetic requirement for my well-being. Just like he requires me to do the same for him. Our mutual needs and desires are to be respected and cherished and also watched carefully because we don’t want to end up creating co-dependencies.
But we do need each other to experience life to its fullest. To fall in love and be loved. To create and raise little tiny humans who will become our future. To experience extasy, heartbreak, attraction and all the other wonderful things that happen in romantic relationships.
I can indeed do anything a man can, and I can do it while bleeding, but I don’t actually want to.
Why would I inflict such hardship and struggle upon myself as a feminine essence woman? I wasn’t born to be a workhorse and to do life, relationships, and motherhood alone. It wasn’t meant to be this way. I want to do it all with an equal partner where we leverage and flow with our strengths and weaknesses.
Yes, I can earn the money and can buy myself whatever I want. Yes, I can have a career and a business. Yes, I can fix everything around the house. Yes, I can even get pregnant, give birth and raise my child alone.
We can do anything but it doesn’t mean that we have to and it doesn’t mean that we need to. That is not our purpose as feminine women.
And so the women who march forward with “I don’t need a man” slogans and complain about having “no good men around” are stuck in a vicious cycle. Simply because these attitudes and beliefs keep bringing them emotionally unavailable or weak men — which reaffirms their beliefs about men’s inability to protect and provide stability to their lives.
Healthy masculine men do not hang around women who are too proud and too independent to admit that they want to be taken care of. These men do not want another set of balls in the house to compete against every single day. These men want a woman. A wife. A lover. A girl. Their natural masculine instinct to provide and protect craves a woman who will surrender and let go. Who will let him lead. Who doesn’t need to boss or parent him around.
If you are asking yourself why would you need a man — that question comes from a place of insecurity, bitterness and upset. Because deep down inside you’re craving him and you’re too chicken to admit it. To some women it almost feels degrading to admit it because it would be perceived as weak.
Women who see the value in having a solid masculine partner and allow themselves to want a stable, healthy relationship will not have the need to ask this question. Because they understand the price of a stable partnership. Because they trust their men to lead them into the relationship and be that solid ground she leans on and stands tall.
Good news — he does exist and he is there — you just can’t see him yet.
Because he won’t choose to be with a woman who thinks she doesn’t need him. Why would he? What’s the point? Men who don’t want to be needed are immature men. They’re not ready to step up. These men who want a free pass in life. These are men who don’t know how to take responsibility for their own life, let alone for the life of their women and their families. If you are with a man like that or attracting men who are flaky — your issue is inside. What you focus on expands. You need to work on rebuilding your faith in men.
I know because I’m married to one and I’m surrounded by many great men. I also interview them on my podcast (coming out November 2019.)
9 Ways to Maximize Your Chances of Meeting Him
And so if you’re determined to change your beliefs and get off the “I don’t need a man bandwagon,” declare your desires and attract the mature masculine man, here are some things you can do today:
- Work on identifying and reframing your beliefs about men, women, and relationships.
- Ditch your old friends, patterns and jobs that still support the old beliefs. (Yeah, I’m talking about unmarried girlfriends who complain that there are no good men around or married girlfriends who are constantly belittling their men.)
- Have a conversation with your parents (individually) about how their relationship was/is. Ask them about what they have learned about relationships from their parents and try to identify what patterns and beliefs have you taken on as a little girl that are ruling your life now.
- Heal your relationship with the feminine. A lot of us think it’s all about healing our relationships with men but it actually starts with healing our relationships with women and ourselves so we start to appreciate the power of the feminine and connecting with other women.
- Surround yourself with women who have great men as their partners and friends. Even if you think you don’t have any — look closer. Maybe you’ll first need to work on your relationship with these women because you probably think these women as “submissive” or “too feminine.” If you want to change your mindset and your life, get curious about theirs. How are they doing it? How are their relationships? Remember, you are the sum of the five people you mostly spend your time with. So if your immediate girlfriend circle is all bitching about men — you’ll be attracting the types of men who should be bitched about.
- Think about the good men in your life. How can you get closer to them AND their girlfriends and wives? Spend more time with these men and less time with the asshole who wouldn’t return your calls. Move on quickly. Chances are that these good men are hanging out with other good men. (But beware of the nice guys. Oftentimes, we confuse “good men” for the “nice guys” because well, they’re just nice. Look out for good masculine men who want to protect and provide and lead.)
- Listen to interviews with great men. Here are a few suggestions:
- Girlskill Podcast where I interview women about female success and femininity (a special series with GREAT men coming November 2019.)
- Art of Manliness Podcast
- Men, This Way Podcast by Bryan Reeves
- ManTalks Podcast
- The Guru Viking Podcast
- Evolving Man Podcast
- The Evryman PodcastP.S. I've interviewed most of the hosts of these podcasts :)
8. Travel and get to know men from other cultures. Traveling is a great way to meet other people (and men) from different cultures to understand and see in practice that most men are decent men who want decent relationships with women and won’t jump on women like animals given the first opportunity. In fact, when you travel you meet men of a different caliber because these men have stepped out of their comfort zones.
9. Step into your femininity. This is a big one. In fact, this is all I talk about on my podcast and in my writing. This is also what I work with women 1–1 on. Here is an article to help you with all that.
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