He Wasn’t a “Hell YES”
This was THE DAY when everything happened. Including that what you might be thinking of.
Two years ago he took me to Rio Negro, a tiny cultural town in Colombia where Pablo Escobar was born. It was supposed to be a “day trip.” Later I found out that he had packed his toothbrush and a change of clothes while I had to sleep without brushing my teeth, taking out my contact lenses and in the same underwear.
I didn’t like him in the beginning. In fact, in Rio Negro I was apathetically getting drunk on disgusting Aguardiente (Colombian Vodka equivalent) and looking at this man thinking “He’s kinda boring but I got nothing better to do so I guess I’ll keep listening to his dry stories…”
(In retrospect, I think he was nervous.)
— “Do you want to stay overnight? We could stay here, drink and explore the surroundings tomorrow,” he dropped casually.
I knew exactly what this meant.
I had to make a decision.
It wasn’t a “Hell Yes.”
He wasn’t a “Hell Yes.”
I barely knew this weird bald guy who was wearing flip flops and a tote bag-(God, I hated that bag) with a funny picture of Yoda on it. He didn’t even seem much interested in me at the time.
But my #yolo reflex was powerful than me. In fact, I’m the girl who would rather have a bad adventure than no adventure at all. At least there will be a story to tell afterward.
And boy, the story is indeed worth telling.
“What the hell?! Let’s do it. There is nothing better to do in Medellin so let’s have an adventure,” I said trying to look enthusiastic.
Well, next day after returning from what I thought wouldn't be a terrible adventure, I was recording a voice message to a girlfriend saying “My god. I thought men at 40 know what the hell they’re doing with women. Apparently not!!! Pretty sure I’m not seeing this guy again!!”
Yes, it was that bad. And yes, the Aguardiente apparently was pretty strong for him and not strong enough for me…
There were many things he’d done “wrong” after that night.
“You should stop wasting your time with me…” I told him one night outside of a Colombian club in Medellin. I was so disappointed.
Supposedly, this guy liked me cause he kept inviting me out. We went to a club one casual Friday and the first thing he did was going to the bar and getting himself a beer. (CORRECTION: he got two drinks. One for himself, one for his buddy.)
I got seriously offended. Who doesn’t ask the girl whether she wants a drink FIRST?!?!? (He still sometimes forgets — even when we’re married.) So I decided that I was done here. I got him outside and basically told him to leave me alone.
I went home by myself. Frustrated and defeated. I fall asleep alone.
Then one day I had forgotten my one and only Malaysian debit card in the ATM machine. Now, being in Colombia and reporting this incident after 24 hours is a lost cause. I called the Malaysian bank and they told me I would have to go to Malaysia to get a new card. And no, they couldn’t ship a new debit card.
I had rent coming up and had to survive for the next month until I figure out my next steps. I didn’t have other cards or any cash tucked under a mattress.
By that time Estring (the “Hell No” man) was casually stalking me in coworking cafes and I was intentionally ignoring him but keeping in touch (sometimes he was ending up in my apartment after random jungle trips cause #girlsgottahavefun)
Truth is, I enjoyed the attention and I kind of found him a little bit funny.
So I tell him about my crazy troubles.
— “How much money do you need?”
— “Emmm… $800 for rent, maybe $500 to live until I get everything sorted… Maybe?”
— “I’ll get you the cash tomorrow. You can pay me back when you sort it all out.”
Next day $1,300 cash was lying on my kitchen table.
No expectations, no proof that I’ll give it back. We barely knew each other. We met less than three weeks ago.
I was a bit shocked, a lot relieved and a little in love. I could trust this guy. Not only he’s generous but he’s also caring and trustworthy.
Bingo. Ding dong.
My “this man can be trusted” alarm went off.
In two months he invites me to go to Mexico and live with him by the beach in a badass apartment with a rooftop pool. Rent is on him.
We end up traveling around the world together for the next two years. During this time I watch him deal with all kinds of life situations and I realize that I can fully surrender to this man to take care of me. I see how treats other people, how he deals with difficult and dangerous situations. Slowly, day by day, I melt into his arms and he wins me over. I let down my guard and completely let go. I open my heart.
I didn’t have to think about logistics. About the money. About where will I live or what will I eat. It was all taken care of. Ah, the masculine presence and direction.
And so I knew in my heart and in my mind. He was the man I have yearned for. When my body felt a full on YES, it was easy to accept his proposal.
My point is that your HELL YES can come gradually. Sometimes it’s not that obvious. Sometimes you gotta let it flow. You gotta give him a chance. You gotta let him lead.
For me, it was that distinct moment when he offered to help in a massive way. For you, it might be another moment.
Watch him behave. His words mean nothing. He might have really poor “game.” Although, I would always advocate for a man who knows what he wants and fully goes for it. But it’s not as black and white all the time.
Give him time to prove himself. He might not have all the tricks up his sleeve. He might not “perform” that first night because he might be too drunk, too nervous, or too much.
Watch him “unfold” in his masculine behavior. Give him opportunities to take care of you. Give him chances to show you that you can trust him to take care of you.
Because down the line, these qualities are going to become extremely important. When it comes to family, it is essential that your man can handle it all. When you’re lying on the bathroom floor puking your guts out because of pregnancy nausea — you’ll want him to take charge. And you’ll want him to keep taking charge. Because you can’t do it all. Because you’re preparing to be a mother. Because as a feminine essence woman you want to surrender and let go.
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