How to Persuade Your Man To Step Into His Masculine
Hot tips, tricks, and tools to get your man on board with the feminine/masculine dynamic in your relationship
If you’re a woman who has stepped into the femininity journey or are slowly realizing that is your path — naturally, at some point, you will be asking yourself the question of how to get your current or future partner on board with this dirty business of polarity and playing more traditional roles.
This is not going to be an easy task, especially in today’s gender role climate, but it is not impossible. In fact, my belief is that most of us would want to play these roles naturally if we’re given the chance to understand and, most importantly, experience a different way. A more fulfilling way where your relationship could not only “work” but also thrive. Where you both are standing in your own power, leveraging equally your 100 percent of your unique strengths and gifts that both bring into the relationship.
If you’re dreading this uncomfortable conversation in the not-so-distant future, the good news is that most men deep down inside still want to protect and provide while most women still want to create a home, surrender, and be taken care of. Nurture and nature blend in together this way. Biology and evolution put everything in its places.
Yes, it will be hard because a lot of men today would agree to be stay-at-home dads and “househusbands.” A lot of men would let you lead. A lot of men would want a 50/50 relationship and would want an equally divided two-income household. Because it’s easier this way. Because the playing field has evened out. A lot of men would be disappointed with a woman who wants to be a stay-at-home mom because she has so many other “talents.” A lot of men call themselves feminists in lieu of standing strong in their masculinity.
These men do not understand what we, feminine essence women, need from them is their masculine presence and energy in building this new world together. We do not need them giving up and hiding behind the “we should all be feminists” slogans. Yes, we should and most of us are, but I also need you to pick up the slack, get your shit together and be the provider and the protector. Perhaps in a new way, perhaps with vulnerability and a renewed sense of open-hearted courage but I still want to be taken care of. I don’t want you running away from emotions, responsibilities or bills. I can do it all by myself but the difference between me and other women is that I don’t want to. Because I know a different way. A more fulfilling way for all of us. A feminine way.
This phenomenon of men stepping back is quite new but not surprising at all because women are on the rise. Women are what is driving the economy more and more each day. More women are getting paid higher wages, growing their businesses and getting into powerful positions. And that’s truly awesome and should be celebrated.
However, men are at an odd place today. Some call it the crisis of masculinity. The rules of the game are changing. It’s not enough anymore for him to make a decent income and bring home the bacon. Some women today would gladly go to work full-time and let their husbands manage the household and children. And in reality that might be the most logical and profitable scenario and it can indeed work, and even thrive, for some couples.
Good news is that it’s up to you to set the standard and the boundaries. It’s always been up to women what kind of men we choose. In fact, the whole “patriarchy” is built on the premise that men need to compete for the most powerful positions, be heroic because that’s what women want. Thus, we’ve got men in power in the majority.
Men would bend and mold into what we want them to be. Harshly said but true. Any woman who knows how to use her seductions powers knows the power she holds over men and will never complain about the patriarchy. She thrives on patriarchy because she doesn’t need to lift a finger to get what she wants. (Pun intended.) Of course, true masculine men know of this “danger” from the feminine so they stay true to their purpose and don’ let themselves be led by their sexual desires and women.
So there is no need to dread any conversations about polarity and getting him on board because it’s up to you what man you’re going to settle for.
Remember — You Choose
That’s how the game works. We forget that we, like many mammals, are driven by primitive sexual desires and that the males peacock themselves and fight for a chance to impregnate as many females as possible. And females sit there enjoying the show and choosing.
So I suggest that you join me in enjoying the show and choosing.
Your choice has to be a wise one. And once you have chosen, you gotta let him lead and play your unique roles to create and sustain polarity.
The masculine is in charge of the direction of the relationship but the feminine is responsible for the quality and energy of that relationship. The masculine is what sets the container and the feminine is what fills that container with wishes and desires, with fullness and excitement, with potent energy and flow.
When I fully realized that I am a woman of feminine essence, I also understood that I wasn’t born to live my life as a workhorse; that I am done proving everything to everyone and that my power and strength comes from my femininity and my womanhood.
All the Single Ladies
Good news, ladies! Your job is pretty easy.
Your feminine essence will attract the complete opposite on the polarity spectrum. The more you lean into your feminine and let him lead you into a relationship — the more he will be showing up in his masculine. Because, again, he has to compete with other men waiting in line. He has to claim you as his woman if he really wants to be with you.
And if he doesn’t, well, too bad — you’re moving on.
Hot tip #1: Look for patterns in dating. What kind of men are you attracting in general? What’s the same about them? What does that say about you? So if you’re attracting men who want to be househusbands — check in with yourself — where are you emanating the masculine? Are you telling them what to do? Are you trying to do it all never asking for help? How are you feeling in your body? Remember, your energy is what attracts men. Are you relaxed, playful and flowing with Life? life? That is what attracts masculine men.Hot tip #2: The rule of dating three men at any point in time is more relevant than ever. In order not to get hung up on one guy like we all do, date as many of them as possible, peferably without having sex with any of them until things start getting serious (read: he shows signs of getting serious or you both agree to date each other exclusively.) Until then, you’re a free bird. (read: enjoy the show)Hot tip #3: Men will behave and be what you expect them to be. If you expect them to pick up the check on dates — they will. If you expect them to followup and chase you for a Saturday night at the movies — they will. If you expect them to be gentle, take care of you and treat you like a queen — they will. Even a construction worker or a plumber will treat you like a lady if you expect him to. Remember, they mold and take any shape or form depending on your boundaries and expectations. The very sublte disctinction here between masculine and feminine men is that the masculine men will not let themsleves be dragged on the floor like a puppy just to win you over. It’s a dance. He will not let himself be disprespected. And you shouldn’t play with him in this way either. It’s all a two-way street.Hot tip #4: Never settle for a man in hopes that he will change. Look at him now and imagine living with this current version of who he is for the rest of your life. If you don’t see yourself living and thriving with this current man rigth now — you have to choose you and move on so that others can come and claim you.Good news is that there are plenty of men who stand by strong in their masculinity!
All the Taken Ladies
If you’ve been in a relationship for a while and are already in conversations about this whole Feminine/Masculine role dynamic — naturally your man will resist at first. And why wouldn’t he?
Here he was living happy and relaxed, you were the one taking care of the bills, the household, the kids and the relationship. He was lying on the couch following instructions. He’s a great guy, no doubt, but he has just given up on his masculinity. He has let you take on the leading role and it works very well for him.
Why fix it if ain’t broken?
But the reality is that it is broken — no one is just aware of it yet. Or, perhaps, you already are. The train of chronic fatigue, exhaustion, and energy leaks is coming for you. It’s coming for all women who think they can do it all and who pile responsibility upon responsibility on their backs and keep going like transformers.
Women are not build to be transformers, workhorses or factory machines. We can’t healthily function in the “go” mode all the time. It’s too much for our bodies, minds and feminine souls. It sucks life out of our creative, life-giving hearts and wombs and it’s slowly killing us.
Do not let this messy affair suck you in. And do not let your man give up on his masculinity, you and life in general. For feminine essence women like us, there is nothing worse than disrespecting and not trusting the man we’re with. Parenting our men will only add to the number of children you have to take care of and subtract from the number of husbands you have.
“But how do we do it, Anna?”
Lesson 1: Stop trying to get him on board
Masculine essence men at their core are already living in their masculine edge without even knowing it. They don’t really need theories about polarity and how to step more into their masculine so they can play that protector and provider role. From the moment they hit puberty they’re trying to figure out what women want.
Masculine essence men don’t really like to be told what to do. In fact, if you keep telling a masculine man that he needs to learn this whole feminine/masculine dynamic, chances are you will get him further away from it — not closer. Simply because this basically translates into “I want you to change for me” and “I don’t trust you to lead our relationship to where it needs to go.” And when you want him to change and not trusting him to lead, you’re doubting his masculinity and his ability to protect and provide.
So do not sit your man down showing him the feminine/masculine polarity spectrum image expecting him to “get it.” You might even be tempted to let him watch The Lie of Female Success webinar by Anna Rova or buy him David Deida’s “The Way of The Superior Man” book. You might want to start sending him ideas on how he could step more into his masculine presence or Anna Rova’s articles about why a 50/50 arrangement doesn’t work.
Don’t do it.
It will only make things worse.
If you have a masculine man at his core by your side — It’s not going to work.
Because he will resist.
And that’s a good thing, despite your disappointments.
Masculine essence men don’t like to be told what to do so they can change. And they’re not going to change unless it’s driven from their own desire to do so.
They say women always expect men to change and men always expect women to stay the same.
Isn’t that a bit of a mind-blowing fact? If only we wouldn’t need our men to constantly be different… If only we ourselves would stay the same… We’ll live happily ever after. Basically. If only relationships were that simple.
But do not give up, modern feminine essence woman! Anna Rova is here to help you out and to let you know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Paradox 1: You want your man to listen and to change but you also deep down inside want him to lead the way.He’s not a schoolboy who needs to be taught things about life or parented. He is past that stage. If he is willing to be with a woman who wants to be his mother, that’s his choice. You don’t have to play that role for him. He doesn’t need to be told how to live his life, what books to read and what seminars to attend. This behavior shows that you don’t trust him to figure it out by himself. He will start resenting you for it.
During the day I get 100 ideas of books, events and things I think it would be amazing for him to read, listen and attend. And I consciously stop myself from sending all these ideas to him.
It’s in our feminine nature to want to nurture and improve things, relationships, and people. The biggest challenge is not to apply the same logic to our men. Or to apply it wisely ;-)
I trust that he will find his way. I trust that he knows best what he needs to do, read, watch and listen for self-development. If I didn’t trust him to find his way — what the hell would I be doing with this man? I’m not his mother, not his therapist and not his teacher.
In my work with women, we only focus on exploring and nurturing our femininity and what we can do today as women to fully step into that energy.
You can’t change anyone unless they want to change themselves. You can’t help anyone unless they want to be helped. If you’re in a relationship with a man and are waiting for him to change one day — you are living in a constant state of disappointment. He feels it and you feel it. You can only take responsibility for your own mindset, feelings, and actions.
Lesson 2: Let him lean into his masculine
This lesson is truly magic. Because it’s so easy. Women ask me all the time how they can make sure their men step into their masculine. And I always tell them that when you lean into your feminine, things will start taking care of themselves. Simply because by default you’ll just stop doing what you’re not supposed to be doing and start doing what makes “your shelf full.” You will automatically give him a chance to rise and lead. You just have to trust the process and trust your man.
Even if he’s resisting and not understanding what the hell is going on with you and why you suddenly started making an altar and dancing twice a week. It’s ok. You don’t need to explain your feminine cravings to anyone. If he’s interested — he will ask.
Lesson 3: Expect him to resist
Paradox 2: Even 60 years ago (some) women in America would have loved to go to work but weren’t able to. It just wasn’t feasible. Their husbands wouldn’t have let them. Today (some) women would love to stay home and not work but it’s just not feasible. Their husbands wouldn’t let them.If you’re a woman who wants the shelf to be full, you’re tired of wearing the pants all the time, or don’t want to go to work — how do you persuade your man to “let you” be you?
Your first step is to prepare for resistance.
Make sure you equip yourself really well with patience, tolerance and time. Because he will not like it. He will complain. He won’t “get it.”
At first.
Until he will see the “results.”
That’s how masculine beings operate. Two incomes are better than one. And of course, it makes total sense. Why does he have to work harder to bring in all the income if both of you can do it? $10,000 a month is better than $5,000!
“Why fix it if it’s not broken?” is his mantra.
“It’s working but is it thriving?” is our mantra.
The only thing the masculine, of course, innocently forgets is that we, feminine beings, do not operate in masculine ways. Two incomes are all well and good but the dishes, the laundry, and the children won’t take care of themselves in the same 50/50 manner. Our monthly cycles will not take care of themselves either. He doesn’t bleed every month releasing unfertilized eggs. His body is made to fight, survive and push. And when pregnancy and childrearing knock on our doorstep — the idea of two incomes will be thrown out of the window.
We don’t have to blame the masculine for not seeing what we’re seeing; for not feeling what we’re feeling; and for not hearing what we’re hearing. They simply do not know and do not understand. They’re not us. Men have been figuring out what women want since the moment they hit puberty for thousands of years and they still have no clue what drives us.
It is up to us to educate them about our ways. They have no idea how it feels to bleed every month. They have no idea how all the candles, and spas, and slow sensual dance makes us feel. They have no idea what sort of emotional, physical, psychological and soul transformation we go through when we get pregnant. It’s okay. We just have to let them know. Without blame or guilt or an expectation that they will know.
The Toolbox
Feminine beings are quite resourceful when it comes to getting our way, especially with men.
So here are a few powerful tools in our toolbox to use to get him on board:
Results
Your man will get on board with this new dynamic when he sees and feels the results. Masculine creatures are goal and results-driven.
You need to show him how would his world and life look and feel like if you’re playing 100/100. He won’t understand theories or talks about it. He needs to feel it, see it and taste it. He needs to be shown a different world. He needs to experience it.
But first, you need to decide how does that look like for you.
In my marriage we have clearly divided responsibilities: I take care of the house, meals, and children. I take care of myself and the energy in the relationship and our household. I know that if my energy tanks are empty — everything else and everyone else is empty too. This is my priority.
He takes care of the finances and our basic needs as a family. He takes care of the survival of our family so that I don’t need to think about it. He takes care of the “mechanics.” He does the heavy lifting, he takes care of the pipes and makes sure we have enough to live on.
This doesn’t mean that he doesn’t help around the house, doesn’t cook or doesn’t take care of children. In fact, he is very involved in all of those things. This also doesn’t mean that I am not working or not thinking about bringing in income. The difference is that we have divided and conquered our areas of responsibility based on what fulfills us and runs our engines. We have fallen naturally into these roles and it works great for us.
Essentially, he is the protector and the provider and I am the nurturer and the “atmosphere maker.” We generally don’t fight about who does what, who did more or who did less. There is none of that. I don’t pile up on myself the responsibilities and don’t feel like everything is on me.
It’s not always easy. It doesn’t work 100% of the time. But it does work most of the time and in fact, it does thrive. How do I know? I feel loved and supported. We manage to have sex once a week and generally I don’t feel stressed and pressured and worried about money and how we’re going to pay the bills. Because it’s not on me.
My man is a happy man. He gets a blowjob on mother’s day, a foot massage twice a week and a head and neck massage more often than not. He gets to have delicious dinners and takes home-made lunches to work. His laundry is generally clean, sheets smell nice and there is a sweet smell of orange blossom essential oils in the house every now and then. But most importantly, his wife is a happy woman. She doesn’t stay angry for long, she has reservoirs of energy for him and for his daughter. She is excited about life, she is playful and has the time to take care of herself.
And most importantly, we keep the sexual attraction going because polarity exists. Who knew that scheduled sex could be so great?!
For your man to be on board with all of this — he has to see and feel the results. It will take time but it will happen. Especially when he starts seeing the difference between his woman and how he’s feeling inside his own relationship and other relationships. Especially when he’s out for beers with other dudes and they start complaining about their wives. Then he will know. Then he will understand. You just need to gently remind him of it from time to time. If you set him free, stay on course with polarity and divide and conquer in this way — the inevitable results will come through your own energy and how you feel.
The Ultimate Argument — Pregnancy
This is a fail-proof argument. Use this one when nothing else is working. However, bear in mind that some women still manage to try and do it all even WITH children.
I intuitively understood that when children come, the game of 50/50 is really over. I didn’t really feel it before I actually got pregnant but nevertheless, I was already having the conversation.
The reality is that if you’re doing the 50/50 arrangement, why should things be different when children come? And you might indeed say that well, nothing really changes… we both continue to bring in equal incomes and we equally divide our household chores and childcare. Only that in reality this 50/50 arrangement doesn’t work and won’t make you happy if you’re a feminine essence woman.
Simply because you are the one who has a womb and who will carry the baby. You are the one who will have to deal with first-trimester nausea vomiting all over the floor not being able to get up. You are the one who will give in to the rollercoaster of hormones, cravings and all the other crazy decisions pregnancy makes us take. Because we are designed this way. It’s in our nature. Some women can indeed work like powerhouses until week 39 of their pregnancies and go to the hospital straight form the office. Sorry, my work is not that important. My life and my family is. I’ve spoken to many women who have in fact “missed” their pregnancies because they were buried in work. When I ask them “how did it feel?” They say “I have no idea. I didn’t feel anything and then I had a scheduled C-section.” So it’s like pregnancy and birth had bypassed them. I don’t know about you but I don’t want to be numb through this important passage of my womanhood. Birth is a whole other story. I am still a bit in shock about the stories of hotshot female CEOs and other boss ladies who schedule their C-sections on a casual Tuesday night after dinner when it’s convenient for the doctor and for the CEO.
Having a baby is not about convenience. In fact, these hotshot CEOs and boss ladies are the ones who’re having the most trouble with managing a family after they have children and employ their husbands to stay home with the kids. Sorry, that’s not me. That’s not the life I want to live as a woman.
Anyhow, back to the pregnancy argument. I simply had this conversation with my man while we were on a long drive:
— Husband: My dear, you have to go to work. Two incomes is better than one. Think about all the things we could accomplish, the money we could save, the adventures and travels we could have…
— Ok, let me ask you this… how many children you would like to have?
— Three…
— Ok great. Considering that on average it would take us about three years per each child to carry and take care of, it means that for about 10 years I’d be tied into motherhood duties. That means that for 10 years we can’t really rely on my income as one of the main sources to support our family.
— Hmmmm…
There is no argument he can use against your biology and your body. He can’t carry your child, he can’t give birth to it, he can’t breastfeed and there are always so many unknowns in this journey. As the mother, you most probably not only become but also want to be the primary care provider for your baby. Your world simply shifts, there is almost like a switch inside your body that for 9 months carefully and meticulously prepares to switch you into motherland right after you give birth or maybe a little later.
Hot Tip: This conversation is so much easier to have if you have abandoned the 50/50 arrangement before you get pregnant. Simply because it’s so much easier. Pregnancy and children hit most couples like a train. It’s too much to bear at times: emotionally, physically and financially. Both new parents are sleep deprived, sex and intimacy deprived and frankly, are like zombies. Add to that the financial burden that is now placed on the man and even worse, the financial burden and the responsibility that is placed on the woman who just gave birth to a tiny human who needs her love and cuddles and her milk but she needs to go to work. Perhaps that is why most couples divorce within the first year after a child is born. It’s a complete mindfuck.
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