“I am dying inside…” A letter to my husband.

What we need is you feeling my heart and me feeling your dick.

Hello husband,

I didn’t want to write you this letter. I didn’t want to tell you anything at all.

Because when you know and feel like the other side doesn’t hear you, doesn’t understand you — there is no point.

There is no point banging on a door that’s never going to open…

Besides, I’ve tried before and the door has opened but only temporarily because it closed again.

This is going to be a hard letter to read.

Because you will read some things that are going to be very uncomfortable to hear. Things that I have not told you before.

But before I tell you all the stuff that’s going to make you feel like shit is going down big time, I will tell you that the last almost eight years since we met have been ultra amazing! Super duper amazing! The travels, the kids, the business. It’s been a wild ride and I loved it. You’re a great man and an amazing father.

I think you do lack in the husband department, though.

And that’s why I’m writing this letter.

Because I have been unhappy.

I have felt neglected, taken for granted, disregarded.

After our call last Friday, I cried hard. Like ugly cried. And I didn’t want to tell you anything because I knew you will not get it. Of course, you confirmed with “Did I do something today?” to which I replied “Not today. The whole time.”

It pains me so much to know that you have no idea about your wife’s emotional state inside the relationship and the most painful part is that it feels like you don’t even care or make an effort to know.

Just “loving” someone is not enough. You need to love them in a way that makes them feel like you love them.

And, unfortunately, for me at this stage in the relationship, how you were loving me before is not enough. Just words are not enough.

I realise that might be every woman’s complaint in any marriage/relationship and I am no different.

There is a lesson here for everyone.

After Fridays’s call I started to ask myself whether I would be happier with another man…

Another man who doesn’t tell me that he would rather stay home than go with me on a trip because it’s too much money. What if I was together with someone who had enough money to actually travel the world with me while paying a nanny to stay with children? What if I was with a man who touched me and asked me how I feel not because it’s a pretext to have sex? What if I was with a man who would be interested to take me out every week to dinner? Maybe not because he really really wants to but because he knows it’s important for the relationship? What if he prioritised us like I prioritise us?

What makes this extremely hard for me is that our business is based on how I feel in the relationship. What pisses me off so much is that you’re not even pretending to do all these things for me but you do not even understand that the business is hanging on to this as well.

You want the business to work but you’re not putting an effort into actually making it work. And what makes it work is me and you.

How am I supposed to show up to hold a workshop about “Magnetising Your Committed Masculine Man” when my Committed Masculine Man is a hard shell crab who is more interested in Elon’s latest rocket or Rogan’s latest podcast guest than in his wife?

Now I start to sound needy.

I don’t want to be needy. I don’t want to make demands and be needing love.

But I am not a robot (or shall I say “I am not a man.”) I have seen enough pain in my life and I have not seen much love. I can’t compartmentalize things like you can. I can’t ignore and just shove my feelings deep down inside and pretend I do not feel.

I am not Arnold Schwarzenegger.

When I met you I felt love. I felt like you were there and present and your love was so healing. With you I have experienced and felt love like I’ve never felt before. I have healed on so many levels. Your love has healed my abandoned, bruised and cold heart. Of course, I have done the work before I met you but your love was like a balm that put it all back together.

And now, I cry again because I get back to that little eight year old girl who felt so lonely. Who knew that mother is not here anymore and father is also not here anymore. As a little girl, I was alone in the world. And that created such a deep void in my heart that I have managed to fill with self-love, but your love has sealed it all… for a time.

And now… I cry on the floor wailing because that little girl is back. That little girl who feels neglected and abandoned. Yet again she feels like that there is not one single soul in this universe who cares for her and loves her. Who cares about her dreams and her fears, who can just simply hold her and let her be her.

And this is what it’s all about for me. I feel unloved and abandoned. You’re showing me how I feel about myself and my first question should be how am I not giving this love to myself? How am I abandoning myself? And, of course, the right way to solve this is to first ask what does that little girl need from me, Anna, the adult woman? I am not that eight year old girl. I can take care of myself. I can hold myself, I can feel the salty in my own body, I can fill my own cup. I am not helpless.

And this is why I left.For five days I have been tending to myself. Listening and hearing what I need and want.

I know it’s not your responsibility to save me from my abandonment wounds. I know you can’t heal my wounds and you are not there to fill my void. We are beyond that. Our relationship is healthy and interdependent.

But even in a relationship like that where each of us is doing their own work, there is a line where the two come together and lift each other up and to co-create.

There is a moment when one stops and asks themselves “Would I be better on my own? Do I still choose to be here with this partner? Why do I choose to be here with this partner? Would I be better off with another partner?”

What I do know is that can’t be with a man who prioritises his hard shell crab head, his penis and Elon Musk over my heart.

I do not need you to be the Divine Masculine man who meditates for 2 hour a day, does yoga five times a week and reads tantra books.

I love you for your masculinity, for your ability to focus on one task and for your dedication to be play the protector/provider role. I find that extremely attractive.

But there is a limit to how much you can be in your masculine worlds without paying too much attention to your feminine side and to my heart.

You feeling my heart and me feeling your dick. And this is the most important aspect of relationship.

That is how we co-create, co-habitate and co-love.

I know you have been sick. I know business has had its troubles. I get it. Life is hard. Kids, work, life. It happens to all of us.

But I am dying… I am dying without love in this relationship. I am dying in the hard shell that you have build around yourself and around us.

I don’t want to do this “for the children.” The biggest pain I feel when I think of them having to deal with our mess and living apart from us — one week in, one w in shared custody. But I am considering it.

I don’t know if there is a way back. Probably there is. I am not sure because I’m getting closed off to it. I’m turning my back to you and our love or what is left of it.

This is not something that happened today, last week or last month, although, last month while you were sick it has exacerbated it for sure. I know you have been sick and tired and not eating well. I’m trying to be compassionate towards you but I also have been bottling this up and pushing it down. Unfortunately, this cannot wait.

We have stopped talking. We have stopped touching. We have stopped breathing together. Instead we have been running a business together putting together marketing plans, buying investment properties and focusing on profitability. WE have been changing diapers, making lunchboxes and crashing into bed after a long day of business and parenting.

It’s cold and dark and I don’t want to love in cold and darkness. I want to be out of here.

I am like a dying flower that didn’t get watered for a long, long time. I am finding my own way of watering my own roots but doing this in a relationship by myself is not enough.

I am tired. I am tired of running the business, running the family, running myself. It will be so much easier if I had to do it all by myself.

Maybe you can also tell me how I have neglected you, not loved you or not prioritised you?

I’m not leaving yet but I know if we keep going like this, the gap between us is going to grow bigger and bigger and one day I’ll exit. It will be too late then. I will not care about doing this for the children, about arrangements, about anything else. If I am not happy for a prolonged time, I will always choose myself and arrange everything else around it. It is just who I am. I will pack up the children and go (gotta check the legalities of that… How much easier life was when it was just me and I didn’t have to ask the fucking government whether I can travel now with my belongings.)

I don’t know how you will change and what you need to do.

All I know is that I want to feel loved, cared for and prioritised. It’s not even in date nights and travelling together. I told you before

I am not a Trello card to be moved from one column to the other.

I want you to be here with me for me. Right here in this moment. Pausing. Reflecting. Feeling. Yes, feeling. Do not roll your eyes. Without feeling we are not living. Feeling is like breathing for me. I have deprived myself of feeling for a long time and I will not live another life of numbing out. I know you are built differently. Feeling is not your priority. The feminine is not a dimension that you are well versed in. But you’re going to have to come int touch with in one way or an another. You’re going to have to learn the hard way with me as your woman or with someone else. Because if you want love (just like all of us do) you’re going to have to learn how to make a woman happy.

You’ve made me very happy in the last eight years but either that is not enough anymore or a reprioritisation or a restructuring is needed.

To help you in this quest, if you choose to go there, I though of these things that I need:

• Be alone for at least three days every thee months. To think. To write. To travel.
• Be with my man for at least two nights every three months to love, be laugh, to experience new things, to eat food, to have sex, to sleep in luxurious hotel rooms.
• Every week connection night: dinner out, dinner in, eye gazing — whatever else is needed for connection
• No sex without connection first (ok maybe we can follow 80/20 rule)
• I don’t want to hear scarcity phrases and storied around money. Figure it out and fix it. I will support in whatever you need. I want to fly business class. I want to live in amazing homes around the world. I want to live in luxury. Not right now but very soon. I can be patient but I can’t be limiting myself too much because I now I can create all that on my own too — I just don’t want to.
• I want to feel full. I want to feel expansive. I want to feel loved and adored.

I know you love me and adore me. But I need to feel it and see it. Saying it is not enough. You can love and adore me while sitting on the couch and doing nothing and expecting me to open up my legs every time you get horny — not going to work.

I feel that this time is a major transition and levelling up for us.

I am curious to see what happens next and I am here by your side to support you with whatever you need because I do still love you.

Your wife,

Hashtag.

P.S. I want to feel like I how felt in this photo: