Letter To My Younger Wandering Self — My Inner Girl Story
I am here to tell her that she is loved. I am here to tell her that it’s going to be okay. I am here to assure her that she will make it, that she will push through. I know that it will be a while until she hears these words from anyone.
I close my eyes and I go back. I know it’s painful but I know I need to help her. I need to help me.
I see her alone: a blond little girl with a lot of character and a lot of sh*t to deal with for her age. I feel tears curling up in my eyes. I take a deep breath and tell myself to be strong. For her.
It is summer of 1998 and she’s sitting by herself on a summer bench in a courtyard. She’s murmuring something to herself, something I can’t quite understand. Her body feels fragile, she’s breathing heavily. She looks like a child but she feels like she’s already grown up. She’s grown up so fast.
I come and sit beside her. She lifts her head up and looks at me. She doesn’t recognise me but somehow she knows that we are “related.”
I am her. I am the grown woman she’s turned into 20 years later. But she doesn’t need to know that. Not yet.
Suddenly everything has turned upside down. Mom is gone. She hasn’t fully understood what has happened. A long time will pass until she understands. Maybe when she’s already a grown woman.
Sister is in her own teenage world trying to figure her life out through listening to Nirvana and writing poetry. They’re so different. They fights all the time. There is no connection at all. Neither of them feel it. A long time will pass until they will become true soul sisters. But not now.
Dad is preoccupied with life trying to figure out how he will manage to raise two little girls without a partner and little money. Dad is trying to find a new wife. Dad is strict, conservative and sometimes even cruel. Dad didn’t have much love himself when growing up but she will understand it only many many years after.
So I know she doesn’t have anyone. And I know that’s the worst feeling for an 8-year old. I know it’s not supposed to be this way. She knows that too.
I decide to be that person for her, now that I have lived and I know what will happen in 20 years. It’s awesome but she doesn’t know that. The only thing she needs to know and feel is that she is loved.
I hug her and I hold her. Tight. I hold her until she feels safe. Until she feels like she can trust me. It’s a tough thing for a little girl to trust anyone after the world had betrayed her in such a cruel way.
I tell her that it will be alright. That she will make it. That she will become an amazing person filled with love, compassion and understanding.
I tell her that she will learn to love again and let someone else love her. I tell her that it will take some time to really understand what love is. Because she will not know it until she’s a grown woman. That’s okay.
I tell her that in moments of despair she needs to think of me, that I will give her strength, that I will hold her, I will be by her side. ❤
I tell her that that whenever she doesn’t know what to do, she needs to trust herself and follow a feeling I know she has inside that will guide her. I tell her to ask this feeling and then listen. I tell her to trust herself more than anyone else. Because once she learns how to trust herself she will discover how to trust others.
And so I tell her that whenever she feels the call to jump into adventure, take that opportunity and seize the moment — she should. She needs to hold on tight, though and jump straight in. I tell her to trust her self-preserving instincts and that she will not get herself in a life-threatening situation. I tell her that she will regret the things she hadn’t done more than the things she had. I tell her that the rebel inside of her will reward her later. I tell her that “fortune favours the brave.”
Her eyes light up.
I tell her that I know she’s scared. I know she’s afraid of what’s ahead. I was too. I tell her not to be, because half of the monsters are in her own head. The people who tell her terrible scary stories are afraid of their own monsters and are trying to protect her from the worlds they haven’t seen yet. And that’s okay. I tell her that she will have me by her side.
I tell her that others are just like her trying to figure it all out. I tell her that adults are just like children only bigger in size and they’ve lived a little longer. It doesn’t mean that they know everything or what’s best for her. And that’s okay. I tell her that most adults also don’t know what they’re doing — they’re just pretending to know. And that’s okay too.
I also tell her that there will be a couple of crucial, key people in her life that will help her on the way. She should accept their help. I tell her that she has the right to choose them. She should watch out for a family member, some teachers at school and in college and that wise tall blond she’ll meet in a tropical country.
She slowly stands up and then decides to step up on the bench and I see her cape spreading wide from her back. I stand up with her. She trusts me.
I tell her that along the way she will get hurt and she will fall. And that it’s okay. The most important thing is to get and and go again. She doesn’t have to prove anything to anyone. That’s how she will learn not to take that road again or not to trust that boy again.
I tell her that bruises heal and emotional traumas as well. I tell her that everything heals with time. I know it will be painful and it will be hard but it will be okay. She just needs to keep doing what she’s doing. The magical world awaits.
I teach her a little trick to use when she’s scared:
I tell her to close her eyes for a moment and imagine that it will soon be over and she will be okay again. After she had reassured herself that she will be okay, she will need to make a decision and act. Firmly and with confidence.
I tell her to remember that whenever she feels like running away she should know that there is a place she can always call home no matter where she is.
This place is deep down inside her. She can always come back here. It is safe here and it is warm. There is a little forest here with lots of magical creatures and kind people. I will be there as well and she’s always welcome to come for a warm and caring atmosphere, a bowl of chicken soup and a cup of her favourite camomile tea. I tell her that I will sit and listen, that I will not judge and that I will only give her advice when she asks for it.
I tell her that in this world she can hide wherever she wants to. But she doesn’t really need to because here there is nothing to hide from. Here she will is accepted for who she is.
Here she will be encouraged to pursue her interests and curiosities… She will be given all the tools she needs to develop and advance her memory, her creativity and her innate leadership abilities. She will also learn how to love.
Here she will always be welcomed. Here she can be who she wants to be.
I also tell her that the real world will sometimes feel dark and unfair. She will get soaked in the rain and her shows will feel wet. I tell her that there will be lots of hard work. There will be tears, there will be suffering.
There will also be sunshine and joy. It’s all a mix of everything and sometimes it will be a mess. But the rainbows will come out and she might even see a couple of unicorns.
I tell her that she will conquer countries and continents. That she will travel around the world and meet people from different cultures, eat different foods and experience incredible adventures.
I tell her that the world is waiting for her and it’s much more interesting and incredible than they think it is. I tell her that the world wants to be discovered and can’t wait to meet her and show her everything it has to offer.
I tell her that people in the real world are kind, giving and trustworthy. She shakes her head: “You’re lying.” I tell her she just has to wait and see.
I tell her that what’s awaiting ahead is like a journey in a game — it’s just a couple of levels to go through, fight the dragons and the witches, collect her weapons, learn how to survive and fight. I tell her that what’s waiting ahead is a hardship, yes, but a necessary one.
I tell her that there will be no prince to save her. That fairy tales are only partially true. I tell her that there will be a prince but it will not be his job to save her. In fact, she will meet him when he is already king and she’s ready to become his queen.
I tell her that she will go through it all. I tell her that she will come out strong. That it will all come true, she just has to wait and see.
I tell her that no one else will take better care of her than she will. I tell her to always remember to put herself first and no, that’s not selfish. That’s self-preservation.
I tell her not to give herself away to people who are not worthy of her time, body and heart. These are precious and valuable and she should choose carefully who she shares her energy with. I tell her not to give her energy away when her tanks are almost empty. The energy recharging station is always around the corner so whenever she feels like she’s low, she needs to make sure to recharge. I tell her it will take time to find her own sources of energy recharges but she will get there in time.
I tell her that when the wrinkles will be very evident on her face she will feel like she’s done it all. She will have to remind herself that there is much more to discover, experience and live. I tell her when she feels this way, it will mean that’s only the beginning.
I tell her to learn patience and perseverance, commitment and consistency. I tell her that everything will come in its own time, when she’s ready. When one victory will welcome her, a challenge will follow right after. And then another victory, and then another challenge.
I tell her to enjoy the rollercoaster ride and be present all the way.
I tell her that a time will come when she will feel ready to come back to her roots, give back and lead others in a profound way. This time will be when she will truly become a wise female leader ready to tie it all together for herself and for others. During this time she will understand and explore in depth her ultimate truth and she will show it to others.
But until then she needs to keep going. Keep learning. Keep making mistakes and always going forward.
I tell her that she will create an incredible family and a following of givers, lovers and light. She will rebuild herself again and again only to become stronger each time, wiser and more profound. She will be given the elixir when she’s ready.
I tell her not to worry about all that now. I tell her that now she needs to trust in herself, trust in the universe and follow her heart. I tell her that I will always be by her side and when she needs me. I will be right here ready to hold her and tell her that I love her.
She looks at me mesmerized. Full of hope and wander. Full of tears and joy. She heard what she needed to hear and she’s on her way to her true destiny.
The Wanderova was born inside of her ;-)
The “Grown Up” Wanderova
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