My Ayahuasca Journey Part II (The Trip) — Day 76 of 99 Days of Wander
I tell her that I know. I know it all. We embrace and she holds me. Long and hard. I start crying, tears start pouring out of my eyes and I sob. I sob in real life too lying there completely vulnerable, completely myself. I don’t care.
My eyes are closed. I am laying down. It starts with the sounds slowly intensifying and the green twisting and twirling starts in the right upper corner. It blends into patterns of yellow and red and they all go into the left upper corner. Then they twist and turn into something more complicated and colourful with more movement. All following the rhythm of the tribal sounds and the mystical dance of drums, weird voices and electronic music.
My mind is dancing.
I didn’t know it can do that!
I feel like it’s me but it’s not me. Cause I’m the observer. I can’t observe my own mind and also be me at the same time, right? Shit, this is weird. It looks like I can’t really control what’s happening because it has a mind of its own…
But I love it. Someone please bring some popcorn cause this is the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen. Right “before” my eyes.
I honestly think the guy who invented the moving Flurry Fly screensaver did ayahuasca or some other psychedelic thing to come up with it.
Isn’t that weird? Isn’t that scary? It’s like being on the verge of crazy. Who’s a crazy person anyways? Someone who can’t control their mind, right?
I remember what the shaman said about not controlling it so I let it go…
Breathe. Inhale. Exhale.
The music changes. It’s like a TV channel switch. My mind starts playing a different game. Colors intensify and darken, going in swirls and building up these different images of patterns, mazes and journeys of its own.
I hear a gong…
Gong… Gong… Gong…
Shaman announces round two of ayahuasca tea drinking. Oh… Round 2…
Do I want it? Do I need it?
I open my eyes and see most of the people standing up for the second round. Everything is kinda blurry and I feel very intoxicated. Hmmm… Maybe I should get it too.
Do I want it? Do I need it?
I’m unable to get up and everything is blurry already. I’m trippin’ big time, yo. So I go back to dance with my mind. It feels like we are in a relationship.
Let it go. Don’t control it.
Show me what I need to see. I am not scared. I am ready. Take me where I need to go.
I am here and I am ready. Show me everything.
It starts swirling again. OMG, this is great. I should have gotten that popcorn.
My breathing intensifies. Inhale, exhale… I feel extra comfortable. I take my blanket and cover myself up completely so that I’m in the dark of my own blankety world. It’s warm and fuzzy in here. I’m in my own Universe. It’s awesome. I’m loving it.
Intense joy, intense bliss. I stop thinking about what it all means, I just let it go and enjoy it. Pure bliss.
Others have described this feeling as like when you’re a baby. When things are so blissful and comfortable that you don’t need to think about anything.
Heck, what the hell do I know? I don’t remember being a baby. Did that ever happen? Was I once a human being that didn’t know how to talk, how to think, how to love, how to feel anger or how to make decisions? Was I once a human being that was just mindlessly absorbing everything without judgement, thought or a filter? That must have been awesome. Because I feel it now. I’m loving this blanket and whatever that plant from the Amazon is doing to me.
Freedom. Joy. Peace.
Thinking is overrated anyways. It’s all a game. We’re all playing a beautiful game and we don’t even realize it. And it can either control us or we can control it. But there is another way.
We can play the game with it. We can watch and observe it. We can let it do its thing and we laugh at it together.
What matters is living, experiencing life. That’s all. All the other little things that we make in our own mind don’t matter. They come and go. Everything comes and goes. We will eventually die. We will eventually be reborn in one form or another. It’s all impermanent.
I can’t feel a sense of time. I have no idea how much time has passed. Ten minutes? Three hours? I’m sure I’m still in the same day… Or maybe not? Ahhh, who cares…
Okay it’s all great and trippy but why am I here? What is the lesson? Is that a transformation happening? Am I not supposed to be seeing my fears and suffering and going through a purge or something? Just like the girl from Divergent?!
What is the lesson?
What is the lesson, damn it?!
Is this the transformation?
Don’t control it. Let it go…
At points I observe that my conscious mind sees something interesting, kind of “catches” it and makes up it's own story. Almost like a curious child wanting to know “what will happen if I do this?!”
With every exhale I fall deeper and deeper… I let myself go there.
By this point the images are very intense but don’t make any sense. There is no clear image of things I’ve ever seen in reality.
What is reality?
I breathe heavily, I don’t know why. I’m watching it and it’s intense. Very intense. I breathe long deep breaths. I’m covered with blankets. I hear others breathing heavily. They’re tripping too.
I feel comfortable and safe. I feel like I’m taken care of. I feel like I can let go. I extend my arms and legs and enjoy it. It’s pure bliss. There is no past, there is no future. There is only now. Time stops, nothing else matters. It’s just me and me.
I look at Estring. He’s all curled up, wrapped up in a blanket and having some sort of an intense experience. I let him be. Everyone is on their own. Others all are asleep.
I hear the wind, I hear the rain, I hear dogs barking. I let it go. I give in to it. Whatever happens, happens. It doesn’t matter. Pure bliss. Music is playing, I’m going with it. It’s intense. I’m tossing and turning. It’s very emotional. It’s deep. I don’t understand what’s happening and I don’t want to.
The guy to my right is giggling constantly. He’s truly having a blast. I wanna see what he sees. It’s distracting. I move to the other side. I want to continue, I want to be in it.
I open my eyes and I see our shaman sitting and watching over us. I am safe. I close my eyes again.
The shaman transforms into my mother. She’s sitting next to me and telling me she’s sorry. Sorry for all the times she hasn’t been next to me since she had been gone for 20 years. For all the advice she didn’t give me and because she left me to deal with the world on my own. She tells me she loves me and that she’s always with me.
I tell her that I know. I know it all. We embrace and she holds me. Long and hard. I start crying, tears start pouring out of my eyes and I sob. I sob in real life too lying there completely vulnerable, completely myself. I don’t care. It’s intense and I know it’s real. I know she is real and she is sorry. I tell her I’m a grown up woman now and I turned out okay. I tell her that I forgive her.
Music switches and she disappears.
Now it’s dark and intense again. It’s showing me images of weird things, weird patterns, weird intense kaleidoscope of things.
I breathe heavily I toss and turn. It feels like it’s never going to end. But I let it be. I lose track of time. Rain again, wind again, dogs barking again. Whatever, I don’t care. I lie there. I let it go. I sleep a little, I turn a little. I sleep on my right side, my left side, my back and my belly.
I am not sure what time is it but I am hungry. I feel hunger in my belly but I know I can’t eat. I feel the patterns slowing down, I feel calm. I lie there. I give in. Intense giving in. I breathe. I am there, I am alive. I can’t think of anything.
I look around. Looks like everyone is waking up from a deep dream. Someone starts laughing. The laughs have picked up. Everyone is laughing. I am laughing too.
We are all in bliss. I look at Estring, he’s awake too. He comes next to me and we cuddle. The girls have gathered all together under blankets. Everyone is just there and alive. Everyone is breathing. We are all one. We are all a family.
Pure joy, pure bliss, pure happiness. Our natural state and vibrations. This is what it feels like to be alive and to be human. I see it, I understand it, I appreciate it. We are here to love and share the love. It feels almost natural to me because I felt it before. I felt it travelling the world. I felt it in every country where people are just people. Where we blend in with nature and animals. Where we are all in this together, an ecosystem supporting each other.
We all know it’s over.
It’s five in the afternoon. We start getting up, going to the kitchen, drinking water, eating raisins. Everyone feels like they’ve woken up from a deep deep dream. We all smile, we all hug each other. It’s beautiful.
It’s raining outside. We walk back to our main building and we sit there. The shaman tells us not to eat food but only fruit if we are hungry. We should eat slowly, walk slowly and speak slowly. The ayahuasca is still having its affect on us and will proceed until tomorrow.
We all gather for dinner a couple of hours after. Everyone is feeling calm and relaxed. We start sharing our experiences with each other. Everyone is still processing it. Everyone knows something magical happened in there but no one can really explain it. It’s amazing to hear what other people saw. After dinner we drink tea and share the stories.
I don’t want to analyze anything. I don’t want to ask questions. I feel a deep knowing. I let it be. Some questions are better left unanswered.
We are being explained that in time this experience will feel like it never happened. But we should always remember that it was real. And when we’re going through difficult times, we should go back to this experience.
Ayahuasca is a healing medicine and we might not feel it right away or be able to explain it. But it’s doing its job. We need to trust it and take it seriously. Ayahuasca shows us what we need to see. According to some research science has proven its many beneficial therapeutic effects on the brain.
I let the experience sink in and not do anything with it. I feel calm, I feel new, I feel different. I feel like I’m more in touch with myself.
I have an intense night of sleep with headaches and tossing and turning. Next day I wake up fresh, anew, and ready to face life again.
And so does everyone else.
Would I recommend it? Absolutely.
Can I guarantee that you will experience what I had experienced? Absolutely not.
When should you do it? When you feel like you’re ready.
Would I do it again? Possibly in a year or two. In a safe environment and only by recommendation from someone who has done it and can attest to having a good experience. I would come back to Gaia.
Later I found out that the group that did Ayahuasca before us had a much more difficult experience with screaming and terrified dreams. It happened because the group was trying to control it too much, they said.
Another important thing to mention is that we did it during the day. Most ayahuasca ceremonies are done at night and with live music. That experience must be much more intense. Most importantly, do it in a safe, trusted environment.
The “Knowing” Wanderova