Pregnancy, First Trimester Hell & Connecting to Feminine Power
In the beginning it all felt like a miracle. In month two it all felt like a curse.
So the morning pregnancy test was right. I didn’t dream it. The second line was indeed visible.
Shock…
Panic…
Joy…
“Am I REALLY PREGNANT?”
Tears coming into my eyes. My hands start shaking. My heart is racing. My mind is going a little crazy in 100 different directions.
I need to tell him NOW. I walk into his office. He was just making himself coffee before sitting down to work…
As soon as he looked at me he knew.
We walked outside to a little park area and before we get a chance to sit down…
— “Are you pregnant?”
— “It seems so.”
Both of us don’t understand what the hell is going on. The mind can’t comprehend this miraculous event. Both of us are overjoyed and excited but perhaps frightened a little bit. We laugh, we hug, we make jokes. He goes back to the office, I call my sister and my dermatologist to talk about what to do next.
— “What do I do next?!”
…Holy shit, I’m pregnant…. This thought would enter and exit my mind every 15 minutes for the next 2 weeks. Everything I was doing just got interrupted with this thought.
My life completely changed in 15 minutes. That’s it.
One moment there was Anna living her life being a digital nomad working online and building her business in Gran Canaria... Now there is the same Anna but with a tiny peppercorn size embryo growing inside her belly. Life is being created INSIDE HER BODY.
Is this even real? I feel my sore breasts. I feel tired. I pee ten times a day. That’s all I can feel and see for now.
The first two days after we found out were in a haze. Like kind of high. When reality doesn’t make sense the mind shuts down and is trying to process what’s going on.
I was processing for about a month…
I told my closest three girlfriends. We told his parents and brother. I called my auntie and my dad.
— “I am with child. I’m carrying his child inside. It doubles inside every week.”
So bloody strange.
I was never the girl who really wanted children. I was never the girl who really wanted to get married. I thought these things kind of happen in a magical future. I married the man I stumbled onto in Colombia 2,5 years ago. Easy, simple.
I was never around pregnant women, I didn’t really know what it means. I saw them walking around like some sort of beautiful aliens but I never thought it would be me.
What I did know is that being in a female body I would absolutely LOVE to experience this precious gift before I leave this earth.
My sister gave birth to her two daughters but I wasn’t there during any of the pregnancies. A girlfriend recently gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and this was my first time being close to a pregnant woman. But, of course, this is something no one can explain unless you feel it yourself. Every pregnancy is unique.
I was 49kg and 164 cm at the time when I got pregnant. My body looks like a 19-year old body. I think it’s a bit ridiculous but my husband (obviously) loves it.
Two weeks before the news I messaged a photographer and told her I want to have a boudoir session because I am currently in the best shape possible and I will probably get pregnant soon so I would really like to capture this body as it is right now because it will never be the same.
I was already with child during the session. Talk about the irony of the timing.
We weren’t using protection for the last three months. We talked about having a baby but we decided to let it flow. The idea of having planned sex during ovulation was strange to both of us. I didn’t orchestrate anything. I let it flow, being aware of what day of the cycle I am in and whether I am in sync with the moon. I truly believe that creating a relationship with my cycle and working with my femininity throughout these last couple of years is the key to me attracting a child.
I know “it” happened on our couch in the living room (will spare you the details of the specific position) during my ovulation but I wouldn’t know for sure.
I find it surprising that some women REALLY want to be pregnant and have a child while not having a healthy, loving relationship with their partner. IN my mind having a child was always connected to having a partner in my life and creating a family. Isn’t that the whole point?!
No judgement passed on women who decide they want to have children on their own or not have children at all — we all have a choice. I just feel that conception is a co-creation magical event when two become one and the seed of love becomes planted in a uterus from which a human grows and comes into the world to experience the full beauty and potential of life through the eyes of the family, of two partners. Perhaps I am more traditional in that way.
It’s quite peculiar how the answers to “what to do next?!” became quite clear in the following days after we found out. A quick google search led me to downloading The Bump and Ovia apps telling me the due date, the size of the fetus, suggest cool articles to read. A quick Facebook search led me to joining a couple of groups of women due on the same month. A quick iTunes search led me to downloading a couple of podcasts I need to listen to for Q&A. Such incredible times we live in!
It’s amazing how much info is there and how easy it is to get overwhelmed. I decided that am not going to be that woman burying herself in all this knowledge. I have all the resources to know the most important things:
- what happens to the baby every week including the measurements and size
- what happens to my body every week
- what foods to avoid and focus on
- what needs to happen and when in terms of seeing a doctor
- be happy! get plenty of rest! Get ice-cream every day! :) (oh, the excuses pregnant women use to eat unhealthy foods because “the baby needs it.” That’s all a lie.)
I’ve booked in my first ultrasound for week 8 as this is the earliest they could detect the heartbeat, I was told.
I started messaging women I know and trust who have had babies to ask for recommendations and their experience. Find resources for books and apps here on my podcast episode page where I go in details about my pregnancy.
Thousands of women go through this every year so I’m not the first one. I’m thinking of all those women who were never prepared, didn’t have access to so much information and didn’t know they were pregnant until month four. I tried not to overthink it. I realized that thinking and reading about it can take you into the rabbit hole where I can loose myself. I decided to take it easy and take it step by step. Nature does its thing and I decided to let it. To trust that everything will unfold in its own time.
We did watch a 2-hour documentary called “Life Before Birth”. I felt very emotional and in total awe of what my body — the female body — can and will do in the next 8 months!
Suddenly, I started being fearful of walking out of the house… What if anything happens to me? What if a car hits me or a brick falls on my head? What if some crazy drunk person attacks me? I believe the survival and protection mechanism kicked in. Like it’s not just me now. It’s two of us. My body is its temple.
I started to be very careful with what I eat and use as skin care. Funny how as soon as you find out you’re pregnant, suddenly you start caring about nutrition, physical exercise and chemicals you put in your body. That should be the normal routine for all of us :)
It was quite strange because nothing changed yet everything did change. How do you hold that duality in your head?
I can create life. Like real human life. Like a person like you and me is growing INSIDE MY BELLY. So crazy! So alien. So animalistic.
Never before being a woman meant something so transformation, so primal, so wild. This is the ultimate womanhood test ❤ I thought about the fact that men would NEVER get to experience this/.
And then the morning sickness began…
And all the crazy rollercoaster that comes with it.
Waking up every day feeling “hangover” and having constant nausea and feeling like throwing up. I did throw up once after drinking a fresh juice and that was the most devastating moment. I was lying on the bathroom floor crying helpless totally loosing myself in misery. String came home and was taking care of me. I think this is where he realized that this is serious.
I could feel my body going through transformation. Breasts were hurting, I was constantly sleepy and tired. I didn’t have any energy for anything. Going to shower was exhausting. Forget about shaving. Getting out of bed was exhausting.
I didn’t want anything. I didn’t have an interest in anyone. Some mornings I was waking up, dragging myself to the yoga mat, only to lay there and cry. Nothing was exciting. I started questioning life and why I’m here. I was so apathetic, I was missing parties, yoga classes, salsa and other stuff. I just didn’t have the physical or emotional energy. It was mostly hormones I assume but something deeper than that struck me.
For days and hours I just laid on the couch mindlessly staring into the empty corner of the living room, the floor or some useless Netflix movie or series.
I was frustrated that I have to go through this and not String.
Why?Why do I have to go through nausea, tiredness, anemia and anxiety and he does’t? I started fearing for my future body.. Stretch marks, crazy extended over-sucked breasts. Flappy belly and the extra weight. Having the baby chained to my breasts. Not having a normal life again. I want to go diving for f*ck sake!!! Why can’t I go dancing, getting high, trying crazy things like I normally do?!!? Why!! My life is gone forever.
I started feeling the collective pain of women who have to go through this devastating physical, emotional and energetic experience. I was hating those women who “loved being pregnant” and offering to others to “carry the baby for them.” Ugh.
I started to imagine and think about all the women who get unwanted pregnancies, shitty boyfriends and husbands, men who leave them or tell them to get abortions… Is that fair?! Not for a second. tears were coming into my eyes just imagining being in a situation like that where I would have to think about where am I going to get the money?! Oh, it was just awful.
And then you have all the women who try so hard to get pregnant and can’t. I started feeling guilty and ashamed. “You much be very fertile!” a girlfriend told me. I was thinking that fertility issues is something that no one talks about in eastern Europe because the issue almost doesn’t exist. Growing up I’ve heard very few infertility stories. Today it seems like SO MANY women are struggling. Makes me think whether it’s “IVF marketing” and hidden agendas or women are just using the power of social media to share their struggles. But yes, I was feeling like I’ve done something wrong and perhaps should have not gotten it that easy.
And then you have the miscarriage stories and the horrible birth stories. Just awful.
I started reading Misconceptions: Truth, Lies, and the Unexpected on the Journey to Motherhood by Naomi Wolf and was seriously pissed off at another thing America has f*cked up in the system. Six weeks of unpaid leave by federal law while the whole world gives mothers up to a year and sometimes two to recover from birth?! The rate of C-sections, epidurals and other drugs given to American women who are treated like another number is ridiculous.
That was me until week 15. They all kept telling me it’s all going to go away! Second trimester is the best! Yeah, whatever. That doesn’t help!
What did help was nausea pills and iron supplements because I developed a mild case of anemia.
If in the beginning it all felt like a miracle, in month two and three it all felt like a curse.
But wait, that was not me. That was a confused, scared, hormone infused, overwhelmed and crazy me. I know now because the normal me is back. I am quite excited about the baby now!!!! It took a couple of stages to get here. I had a session with a psychotherapist (highly recommended!) and countless talks with girlfriends and family. I have a supportive husband who was running around ice-cream or whatever else I wanted. Who dropped everything and came home to take care of me when I was throwing up.
I went from anger, frustration, disappointment, fear and confusion to acceptance, surrendering and letting go. I just gave in. I looked at my tattoo daily:
“It is what it is.
We are where we’re at.
This too shall pass.”
It did pass. And here I am. In full awe and appreciation. And gratitude. I’m excited. In love with life and in fact, I find advantages! I have a team now!!!
Like it’s me and her (we’re having a girl!) who’s tackling life! I feel the creative life and force. Like I’m not alone. We can do all this together. Take on business, life or anything together! Weird stuff, I know!
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