The Lies We Tell Ourselves to Fit In
4 years ago I was living in Kuala Lumpur and working in Mindvalley. Today I talked to a girlfriend who reminded of the times when I lived a very different life. Most importantly, I lived someone else’s life.
It’s fascinating that on the outside and in photos on social media I looked and “felt” so damn happy and excited. I was really living the dream. Just out of college, an expat in Malaysia, working in the “Google of Asia” with beautiful awesome people in beautifully designed offices having the best job ever in email marketing.
What I really felt was that something is not clicking… Like I should be feeling so grateful and incredibly happy but I was lost. Lost in other people’s notions of success, looks, principles and career paths. I was also lost in love. I was lost in all directions. I was young but I was also wise and I knew something was not right.
I was constantly trying to fit it. To be the best I can be. To have the perfect acne-free face, the perfect body like all the other girls, to dress well, to PERFORM, to succeed, to PROVE. I was pushing so hard with so much effort. At parties I felt awkward and out of place. My networking was mixed with fakeness. I saw it in everyone but figured that’s just the way things are.
I was scared of the boss(es). OMG, what if they fire me? What if I do smth wrong? OMG, what if I make a mistake? No, no I can’t ask for a proper raise for working like a horse.
I was also trying to be the best woman for my man. Not too much trouble and craziness. Not too much drama. What if he leaves me? I was afraid of being the bitch, being too much, asking for what I want and deserve. No, no — don’t try so hard. It’s ok. I can do it all. I am the perfect woman.
FUCK ALL THAT.
Today… I live a very different life. Mostly internally. 3.5 years ago when I packed my shit and left everything behind to live on the beach in Thailand. It has been a journey of so much self-exploration, agony and facing my demons and limiting beliefs.
Today I’m teaching women how to say and do “FUCK THAT” and embrace their femininity, challenge who they think they are and get into their bodies. Preparing a killer video training on all that and more!
Today I’m authentically me. I don’t have time or energy for the bullshit. There is so much bullshit around. My change was quite fast because life on the road throws you into so many different directions that at the end you don’t know who that other person was. I met my future husband in Colombia on the road less than a year after I left. 9 months later he proposed and we were married a year after. 6 months after the wedding I got pregnant. I started my coaching/podcasting business 2.5 years after I left. Slowly I have rebuilt my values, my femininity and myself. My life is far from perfect but I know who I am and I’m done proving anything to anyone.
Cheers to no-bullshit!