To my Lost Girlfriends
For the times I’ve failed you.
For the times I wasn’t there for you in the way you needed me.
For the times I’ve disappointed you.
For the times I didn’t listen.
Didn’t want to hear.
For the times I wasn’t on your side.
For the times you have yelled at me on my wedding day.
For the times I was too much for you.
For the times my life had seemed so much better than yours.
For the times we didn’t agree on a woman’s role in the world.
For the times when you wanted to be left alone.
For the times I couldn’t be that empathetic friend.
For the times I slept on your mattress and then got you a job, yet we never spoke again.
For the times I couldn’t understand and support your anger, exhaustion, and desperation.
For the times we parted ways.
For the times I got pregnant and then, somehow this baby created distance between us.
Silently and slow.
For the awkward dry birthday wishes.
For the unfollowing on Instagram.
For constantly trying to drive away thoughts about you.
It still hurts.
Because that space belongs to you.
To the laughs and cries we shared over a glass of red and a cigarette of Marlboro.
To the times when we dyed each other's hair and held each other’s arms.
To the secrets that only I know about you.
To the bonds that we created over midnight Barcelona walks.
To the sunsets, we saw together.
To the Vegas trip that made me see another side of you.
To the times I can’t unremember.
I still love you dearly and I hope you’re happy.
I understand, although it hurts.
I know you’re doing the best you can,
I’m sending you love.
I’m sending you joy.
I wish you were with me when my baby was born.
I wish I could share those moments with you.
No need to apologize.
It’s lonely where I am. But I know that you come and go.
I know you are not permanent and yet you are.
You are my soul-sister in various shapes or forms.
I set you free.
I accept that you’re imperfect and that you will always be in my life, one girlfriend at a time.
Maybe you’re not a person but a spirit.
The girlfriend spirit.
Because that’s why I will always love you.