Your Dating Frustrations: Symptoms vs. Root Causes & How to Fix Them
The difference between the symptoms and the root causes of your dating frustrations and how to fix them.
The symptom fixes to your dating frustrations with men (attracting emotionally unavailable ones or feminine men) are pretty straightforward.
Knowing the Rules of the Game
This is something that a lot of dating and relationship coaches teach. I have just put my own spin on it:
1. Learning feminine/masculine polarity (leaning back and allowing men to lead, court, and pursue you)
2. Learning the three stages of the dating funnel (putting yourself out there and being open to approach, always dating three men at a time in your funnel, and not thinking you’re in a relationship until one man claims you)
3. Practicing these in your dating life
If these are enough for you and you feel like that’s exactly what you need — awesome.
But for most of us (I include myself in that camp,) “practicing” is easier said than done (hello, I’m scared to put myself out there/I’m intimidated by men I’m attracted to) and, most importantly, we know that there is something deeper here to work on.
And these are the root causes of our dating issues.
The 3 Main Root Causes of Dating Issues:
1. Not being able to surrender & let go of control (sustaining polarity)
2. Limiting Beliefs about men, women & relationships
Let’s go through them one by one.
Root Cause #1: Not Being Able to Surrender & Let Go of Control (Sustaining Polarity)
Many women understand the masculine/feminine polarity and intuitively know how to play in their feminine when it comes to dating but are not able to sustain that dynamic.
They aren’t able to let go of control and let men lead.
They aren’t able to surrender and not call him the next day. They constantly check their phone expecting that he will call back. And if he doesn’t, they take the lead and sabotage the polarity dynamic.
They deprive men of the chance to pursue and court them. To go for the “kill” and the excitement when she says yes to his next joke, plan, or proposal.
Because we’re so used to control and making decisions.
We are uncomfortable with uncertainty.
We want to know “where is this going?”
We can’t get out of our heads.
We become fidgety and anxious.
We seek validation from men. If he didn’t call, we immediately think it’s something about us that he didn’t like, didn’t understand, didn’t realize.
We settle for less.
We start chasing men instead of leaning back and let them chase us.
And that leads me to root cause number two:
Root Cause #2: Limiting Beliefs about Men, Women & Relationships
Since we were little girls we’ve absorbed beliefs about relationships, men, and women that have contributed to what kind of men we are attracting today.
Our first perspective on the feminine, the masculine, and the relationship between the two are our parents. So if mom was wearing the pants telling dad what to do (disrespecting him and not trusting him in the process,) that’s what we believe is normal and healthy.
If mom didn’t know how to take care of herself, was always pushing and striving, paying the bills, being the protector and the provider telling, us “You can never depend on a man” — these are the codes wired in our belief systems.
And that’s what we get as adult women — men we can’t rely on and trust.
Add on top of that the neighborhood and society we grew up in. What kind of relationship models you’ve seen growing up?
Don’t know about you, but I didn’t grow up in a society of great healthy masculine men. All I saw around were broken homes where men are pigs, cheaters, and can’t be trusted. My mother passed away when I was really young and I was raised by an emotionally unavailable father who married a manipulative toxic feminine woman when I was 14.
So that was my reality.
How could I attract and live a different reality with men in my adult life is that’s all I knew?
And everywhere I went, I just saw more evidence of that.
My experiences with men as I became an adult woman have further solidified my beliefs that men can’t be trusted, that there are no great men around. My girlfriends thought the same, my social media feeds supported my belief system, feminism slogans about taking down the patriarchy obviously were confirming what I believed in.
And indeed, the men I was attracting in my life were those who can’t be trusted, relied upon.
How could I let go of control and let them lead? That’s an impossible ideal.
Today’s media and culture are no allies in helping us change and reframe our belief systems about men either.
As I started to uncover all these heavy layers of beliefs that I carried in my subconscious about men, women, relationships, and myself, I started to see a shift in myself and the men I was attracting.
But it wasn’t until I discovered Feminine Embodiment as a coaching modality that things really started to take off and provide me with long-term sustainable change.
I started coaching women with this modality and saw that the change they were experiencing was permanent.
And so I brought this modality into my Claimed Group Coaching Program that helps women break through their patterns of attracting wrong men and start attracting committed masculine men instead.
Root Cause #3: Disembodiment.
Put it simply, embodiment is inhabiting who you truly are.
Feminine Embodiment is about learning how to feel again and welcoming the whole emotional spectrum of your being.
The problem with women today is that we’re so rigid and angular in our energy.
Our bodies carry so much frozen tension, pressure, and stress.
We’re constantly running on masculine engines making decisions, pushing, achieving, and striving all day at work and in our businesses.
No wonder we can’t switch off and relax.
We can’t soften up.
We can’t get through the walls and barriers we’ve built around us to protect us from being hurt. Yet again.
And it’s a vicious cycle that never stops.
That’s why you feel like you’re progressing in your dating life yet to experience the same blocks again.
If you’re a woman who wants to surrender and let your man lead, my belief is that you can’t do that on a consistent basis long-term without actually becoming embodied.
Women feel more than think.
Women run on monthly cycles.
Women conceive, carry children, give birth, and nurse their children with their hearts and bodies — not with their minds.
As I’m preparing to give birth to my second child my best two tools are breath and relaxation. Surrender and let go.
The same things apply to our dynamics with men.
Want to know how to shift your dynamics with men by working on the three root causes of your dating frustrations?
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